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Caleb Xavier Nieland

"And can it be that in a world so full & busy, the loss of one small creature makes a void in any heart, so wide & deep that nothing but the width and depth of vast eternity can fill it up." ~Charles Dickens~



~'Sometimes the most beautiful symphonies are the unfinished ones.' ~


OUR STORY

Caleb Xavier was our suprise baby. We were in the middle of planning a wedding when we discovered we were expecting. I called my old midwife and made all the usual appointments. A few days before Thanksgiving I received my Doppler, after 5 minutes of searching for the baby's heartbeat we found it. It was about 160 which were normal at this point of the pregnancy. We got married and life went on as normal.. On Christmas day we did the normal dinner and presents deal, but my heart was really not into it. I was usually so happy at Christmas, it's my favorite holiday, but today I just felt a sadness that I could not place. I tried to find the baby's heartbeat, but there was nothing but static. I was worried enough that I put the kids to bed at about 10 pm and told my husband I was going to the emergency room. He was a bit surprised and wanted to come, but I wanted him to stay at home with the girls and go alone.

I arrived at the hospital they told me everything was probably ok. I knew this was true because they couldn't find Layla's heartbeat when I was 4 months pregnant with her and she was ok, just positioned weird, but when you can't find your childs heat beat the reassurance falls on deaf ears.... but, I still held out hope. After 2 hours of waiting they brought me in the back for an ultrasound. The tech turned the screen away from me and explained that I was not allowed to watch and they do not give out pictures in "emergency ultrasounds" because so many women come in just to get pictures. I started to cry and asked her if they baby had died could I please have a picture, it would be all I had since I had not had any other ultrasounds. She felt sorry for me and said yes, but only if the baby had died. The ultrasound only lasted about 5 minutes. They brought me back to the room and told me the doctor would give me the results soon. I asked for a phone to call my husband. I was in the hallway on the phone when the doctor came up to me and asked me if anyone had talked to me yet. I said no and he asked me to hang up the phone. There in the hallway he told me that "my fetus was not viable" I stood there stunned for a few seconds thinking "what the hell is he talking about?" He used this opportunity to escape!...(jerk) I walked back to my room and started to cry. About 10 minutes later a nurse came in and asked me why I was crying, I told her what the doctor had said and she looked at me the same way I looked at the dr......confused! She told me she would be right back. When she came back she brought another doctor and my chart. This doctor gave me the ultrasound picture of my baby and explained the baby had died a few weeks earlier. She said I needed a proceedure to take the baby out beacuse "it" was too large to reasorb and gave me some phone numbers to follow up with. While she was telling me all this, a woman and her husband came in with a sick newborn that kept crying. Of course that made me cry even harder. They left me alone again and another nurse came in. I had already called my husband and my midwife. I told the nurse I had already decided to have my baby at home. She was very nice and stayed with me for a while. She gave me a sterile jar to put him in after he came out incase I wanted some genetic testing done. She also gave me something to catch him in. She told me she had a lost a baby 3 years earlier and had always wished she got to see the baby. She had to leave for awhile but came back before they released me and told me goodbye. I was glad she was there with me. ( And the whole time that baby kept crying, and the parents kept asking "why won't she be quiet?!" - she being the poor sick baby! ) I almost went down the hall to tell the parents how lucky they were to have a living, albiet crying baby, because my baby will never have the chance to cry... but I knew they would just think I was crazy.

When I left the hospital the sun was already up. I remember seeing all the leaves falling off the tree's and thinking just last week I thought it was so beautiful outside, all the leaves turning colors and falling off the tree's. Now everything looks so dead. It's funny the things that I thought of on that ride home. I was still very much in shock. I could not believe that it had happened to me. I told everyone that knew that day, I figured I better due it now, and get it over with. Most people said the standard "I'm sorry" and then changed the subject.

For awhile I was in denial...aside from my gut feeling and not being able to find I heartbeat I had no warning signs that my child had died...so the though of "maybe they are wrong" kept creeping in my head. But then the moment would pass and in my heart of hearts I knew my baby had died.

I started looking online for natural ways to start labor so I could get the baby out. It was a very weird feeling to still be carrying a dead baby. The 'phantom kicks' and what not. One day I found myself trying to talk to a complete stranger about what happened. I very quickly regretted that. There was some awkward silence followed by "well I got to run". Not that I blame him.

On December 30th at about midnight I started having contractions. They were much more painful to me then my previous labors because I knew there would be no live baby for all my pain. My water broke about 10 minutes before the baby came out. This caught me way off guard. I didn't realize there was that much water that early on. At 3:45 am Caleb came out. He was very clearly a boy and his eyes were still open and bright blue. His lips curled up in the corners just like his dad's, so he looked like he was smiling. He had a small tear in his skin on his neck and his umbilical cord had been torn off. ( Both were probably from the pressure of the birth. Other than that he was perfect. I had decided not to do genetic testing because I couldn't let them tear his little body apart and not have nightmare's about it for the next 50 years! I held him in my hand for awhile, but because the bones are still pretty soft at that age I put him back in water before letting my husband and children see him. I just wanted to be able to say "I held my baby" My husband wanted to see him and in the morning I let my girls see him and hold him in the jar. I should mention both my girls have seen tons of fetal anatomy books since they were very small so they were not scared at all. We called around and got some quotes for creamation but in the end decided against it. Instead we went out and bought an urn. After everyone said goodbye and held Caleb we emptied out all the water, sealed the jar, and placed him in the urn with a bunch of cotton. Then we sealed the urn. On the outside of the urn I wrote:

Nature's first green is gold,
her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
so dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay

Today Caleb has his own special place in our house, surrounded by peoms, flower, footprints, and a bunch of other nicknacks I've collected over time.

Caleb has two older sisters Layla is now 6, Kaylee is now 4, Caleb would have been going on 3....we had a son after Caleb left us...we named him Isaiah Gabriel...he is now 2. We are also expecting a baby girl named Scarlett in early September.


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TO VIEW CALEB'S MONTAGE
copy and paste( turn sound on first )~~>


http://www.onetruemedia.com/otm_site/view_shared?p=7209fc8931f519571d55e&sou rce=category&category_id=26

ERASE ALL THE SPACES AFTER YOU PASTE OR IT WON'T WORK

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"Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."
-- Saint Augustine

"Some have a lifetime, some have a day, love isn't something that's measured that way"
--unknown


Three little children
Lined up in a row
Posing for a photo
With faces all aglow.

Beautiful smiles
Happiness abounds
But someone is missing
One child's not around.

His smile can't be seen
His face no one knows
One sweet baby boy
Died a year ago.

So as everyone else looks
At the picture they see
Remember the one
That belongs with the three


"Real loss is only possible when you love something more than you love
yourself."
-- Robin Williams


"The mention of my child's name
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring
Music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,
Let me hear the beautiful music
of his name.
It soothes my broken heart
And sings to my soul."

Add TributeTributes to Caleb

There have been 18 tributes left for Caleb.

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SENDING YOU A BIG BEAR HUG....

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Love Stacey xxxxxxxxxxxx

Stacey Mummy Of Angel Cayden Jake X (Close Friend)
May 8, 2009

Sending lots of love to you and your family Caleb,your story is so sad just like my son's.I pray your Mummy is alright after her cancer operation lots of love Stacey xxxxx

Stacey Mummy Of Angel Cayden Jake X (Close Friend)
April 29, 2009

For you

For those few weeks--I had you to myself & that seems too short a time to be changed so profoundly

In those few weeks--I came to know you & to love you. You came to trust me with your life. Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks--When I lost you. I lost a lifetime of hopes, plans, dreams,& aspirations... A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks--It wasn't enough time to convince others how special & important you were. How odd, a truly unique person has recently died & no one is mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks--And no 'normal' person would cry all night over a tiny, unfinshed baby,or get depressed & withdrawn day after endless day. No one would, so why am I?

You were just those few weeks my little one you darted in and out of my life too quickly. But it seems that's all the time you needed to make my life so much richer and give me a small glimpse of eternity

Sarah (none) February 26, 2008

I'm Still A Mom

Just wanted to share this with you in hopes to bring a bit of comfort. It was sent to me in an email, now Id like to pass it to you.In my thoughts.xxx

I didn't have to look into your eyes
to fall in love with you.
I didn't need to hear your cry
to know you loved me too.

I didn't need to hold your hand
to cherish you for always.
Within my womb, we shared our hearts.
You touched my soul.
You sweetened my spirit.
You gave me memories I'll always hold dear.

Yes, my heartaches since you departed too soon.
But a mother's love does not end with death.
For you are my child.
Forever my love is yours.

Jeannine (~none~) March 10, 2007

Mommy is having surgery tomarrow

Tomarrow is the big day, mommy is having surgery for the cancer...hopefully they will get it all and I won't have any side effects from the surgery...I'm scared but I know you will be watching over me baby....a mommy is soposed to take care of her baby, seems a little backwards that you will be the one watching over me...I wish you were here tonight...I'd smell your hair and kiss your chunky cheeks..goodnight angel I'll see you in my dreams.

Crystal (calebs mommy) February 28, 2007

I updated Calebs montage tonight

there's some new pictures of you brother and sister's in there...they love working on your montage with me, ni-night little man.

XOXOXOXO

Crystal February 18, 2007

In Our Hearts

We thought of with love today
But that is nothing new
We thought about you yesterday
And the day before too
We think of you in silence
We often speak your name
Now all we have is memories
And your picture in a frame
Your memory is our keepsake
With which we'll never part
God has you in his keeping
We have you in our hearts.

Jeannine February 13, 2007

sorry x

I have just read your message how sad,you are such a brave lady,you have three beautiful children,rest in peace baby boy,look down on your loving family xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Diane Parkinson (passer by) February 5, 2007

Your sweet little angel

My heart goes out to you and your family. I can't say I know what you are going through, but I have to say you are an amazingly strong woman and I admire that. I have a little boy who just turned one, and I couldnt begin to imagine life without him. Thank you for sharing your story. And I must say, you have an absolutely gorgeous family.

Sending many blessings and prayers your way,
Cortni

Cortni February 2, 2007

thank u for youre message it is very comforting to read them. when someone else is grieving it is very hard tosend emails to every one to say thankyou for caring but it is very nice to knowpeople take the time i also have 2other children 2girls maria who is 25 &kate who is 18 they are heartbroken as well connors only been gone a month and i already feel like ive cried every tear out untill i lookat his sisters and i just cant help but start again

Patsy Curry (none)
February 2, 2007

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	Here are your angel wings little man, lots of love Cora xxx

From Cora