Caleb Xavier Nieland

"And can it be that in a world so full & busy, the loss of one small creature makes a void in any heart, so wide & deep that nothing but the width and depth of vast eternity can fill it up." ~Charles Dickens~



~'Sometimes the most beautiful symphonies are the unfinished ones.' ~


OUR STORY

Caleb Xavier was our suprise baby. We were in the middle of planning a wedding when we discovered we were expecting. I called my old midwife and made all the usual appointments. A few days before Thanksgiving I received my Doppler, after 5 minutes of searching for the baby's heartbeat we found it. It was about 160 which were normal at this point of the pregnancy. We got married and life went on as normal.. On Christmas day we did the normal dinner and presents deal, but my heart was really not into it. I was usually so happy at Christmas, it's my favorite holiday, but today I just felt a sadness that I could not place. I tried to find the baby's heartbeat, but there was nothing but static. I was worried enough that I put the kids to bed at about 10 pm and told my husband I was going to the emergency room. He was a bit surprised and wanted to come, but I wanted him to stay at home with the girls and go alone.

I arrived at the hospital they told me everything was probably ok. I knew this was true because they couldn't find Layla's heartbeat when I was 4 months pregnant with her and she was ok, just positioned weird, but when you can't find your childs heat beat the reassurance falls on deaf ears.... but, I still held out hope. After 2 hours of waiting they brought me in the back for an ultrasound. The tech turned the screen away from me and explained that I was not allowed to watch and they do not give out pictures in "emergency ultrasounds" because so many women come in just to get pictures. I started to cry and asked her if they baby had died could I please have a picture, it would be all I had since I had not had any other ultrasounds. She felt sorry for me and said yes, but only if the baby had died. The ultrasound only lasted about 5 minutes. They brought me back to the room and told me the doctor would give me the results soon. I asked for a phone to call my husband. I was in the hallway on the phone when the doctor came up to me and asked me if anyone had talked to me yet. I said no and he asked me to hang up the phone. There in the hallway he told me that "my fetus was not viable" I stood there stunned for a few seconds thinking "what the hell is he talking about?" He used this opportunity to escape!...(jerk) I walked back to my room and started to cry. About 10 minutes later a nurse came in and asked me why I was crying, I told her what the doctor had said and she looked at me the same way I looked at the dr......confused! She told me she would be right back. When she came back she brought another doctor and my chart. This doctor gave me the ultrasound picture of my baby and explained the baby had died a few weeks earlier. She said I needed a proceedure to take the baby out beacuse "it" was too large to reasorb and gave me some phone numbers to follow up with. While she was telling me all this, a woman and her husband came in with a sick newborn that kept crying. Of course that made me cry even harder. They left me alone again and another nurse came in. I had already called my husband and my midwife. I told the nurse I had already decided to have my baby at home. She was very nice and stayed with me for a while. She gave me a sterile jar to put him in after he came out incase I wanted some genetic testing done. She also gave me something to catch him in. She told me she had a lost a baby 3 years earlier and had always wished she got to see the baby. She had to leave for awhile but came back before they released me and told me goodbye. I was glad she was there with me. ( And the whole time that baby kept crying, and the parents kept asking "why won't she be quiet?!" - she being the poor sick baby! ) I almost went down the hall to tell the parents how lucky they were to have a living, albiet crying baby, because my baby will never have the chance to cry... but I knew they would just think I was crazy.

When I left the hospital the sun was already up. I remember seeing all the leaves falling off the tree's and thinking just last week I thought it was so beautiful outside, all the leaves turning colors and falling off the tree's. Now everything looks so dead. It's funny the things that I thought of on that ride home. I was still very much in shock. I could not believe that it had happened to me. I told everyone that knew that day, I figured I better due it now, and get it over with. Most people said the standard "I'm sorry" and then changed the subject.

For awhile I was in denial...aside from my gut feeling and not being able to find I heartbeat I had no warning signs that my child had died...so the though of "maybe they are wrong" kept creeping in my head. But then the moment would pass and in my heart of hearts I knew my baby had died.

I started looking online for natural ways to start labor so I could get the baby out. It was a very weird feeling to still be carrying a dead baby. The 'phantom kicks' and what not. One day I found myself trying to talk to a complete stranger about what happened. I very quickly regretted that. There was some awkward silence followed by "well I got to run". Not that I blame him.

On December 30th at about midnight I started having contractions. They were much more painful to me then my previous labors because I knew there would be no live baby for all my pain. My water broke about 10 minutes before the baby came out. This caught me way off guard. I didn't realize there was that much water that early on. At 3:45 am Caleb came out. He was very clearly a boy and his eyes were still open and bright blue. His lips curled up in the corners just like his dad's, so he looked like he was smiling. He had a small tear in his skin on his neck and his umbilical cord had been torn off. ( Both were probably from the pressure of the birth. Other than that he was perfect. I had decided not to do genetic testing because I couldn't let them tear his little body apart and not have nightmare's about it for the next 50 years! I held him in my hand for awhile, but because the bones are still pretty soft at that age I put him back in water before letting my husband and children see him. I just wanted to be able to say "I held my baby" My husband wanted to see him and in the morning I let my girls see him and hold him in the jar. I should mention both my girls have seen tons of fetal anatomy books since they were very small so they were not scared at all. We called around and got some quotes for creamation but in the end decided against it. Instead we went out and bought an urn. After everyone said goodbye and held Caleb we emptied out all the water, sealed the jar, and placed him in the urn with a bunch of cotton. Then we sealed the urn. On the outside of the urn I wrote:

Nature's first green is gold,
her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
so dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay

Today Caleb has his own special place in our house, surrounded by peoms, flower, footprints, and a bunch of other nicknacks I've collected over time.

Caleb has two older sisters Layla is now 6, Kaylee is now 4, Caleb would have been going on 3....we had a son after Caleb left us...we named him Isaiah Gabriel...he is now 2. We are also expecting a baby girl named Scarlett in early September.


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"Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."
-- Saint Augustine

"Some have a lifetime, some have a day, love isn't something that's measured that way"
--unknown


Three little children
Lined up in a row
Posing for a photo
With faces all aglow.

Beautiful smiles
Happiness abounds
But someone is missing
One child's not around.

His smile can't be seen
His face no one knows
One sweet baby boy
Died a year ago.

So as everyone else looks
At the picture they see
Remember the one
That belongs with the three


"Real loss is only possible when you love something more than you love
yourself."
-- Robin Williams


"The mention of my child's name
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring
Music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,
Let me hear the beautiful music
of his name.
It soothes my broken heart
And sings to my soul."